Dysfunction Junction

Was it in the 1980s that we first heard the term “dysfunctional”?

I always thought my family was normal. I mean, I knew my dad was weird but I thought everyone must have some weirdo in their family. Then I heard the term “dysfunctional” and I thought, “oh those poor families with dysfunctional family members.” -- ! Little did I know then that my family was dysfunctional.

I didn’t know any different. We only know what we know. But, as Donald Rumsfeld said, “there are unknown unknowns.” We have a sense of right and wrong. I knew my dad’s behavior was odd. I knew mom had decided to stay married to him. I felt she did that out of obligation to me and my sister and also from her religion.

It’s only been in the last five years that I’ve heard of “family patterns.” These were “unknown unknowns” to me. I didn’t realize that the poor communication in my household had been instilled in me. One day, my then boyfriend said to me “you zone out when you are disinterested in something. It’s because of the way your dad drones on about his latest obsession. You zoned out then and you zone out now.”

He's right and I'm sure there are other patterns that I've been conditioned to that are just waiting to be discovered, like ignoring abnormal behavior. Like when my husband gets mad and hangs up the phone on me. I used to just let that go. I now see that as not just anger, but a way to control the situation. I acknowledge it now; I understand how it plays into our communication and how communication is the biggest part of a relationship.