Narcissism

I change my behavior around my dad. I think before answering him so that I phrase my reply in a way that won’t offend him or cause anger. I always have, automatically. I subconsciously knew that there was something about him that was different and needed to be dealt with in a special way.

It’s been this way as long as I can remember, and it’s still happening. For example, just this week when I needed to get someone to be an optional driver for my dad/parents and then tell my dad about it, I couldn’t just say “I found someone to take you places when you can’t drive there.” First I had to identify the problem (separate all the problems and focus on one at a time), then find someone, then gently introduce my dad to the idea, then cross my fingers and hope he didn’t stonewall the idea. Now I can blame that on dementia, but it’s always been this way… and I’m 58 years old.

Thinking about this type of behavior one day a few years ago, I decided I’d look for a name for it and started researching terms for specific behaviors of his, like “defensiveness” or “controlling father” or “anger management.” My research turned up behaviors I’d seen in my dad.

“In vulnerable narcissism, individuals show an unusual degree of self-preoccupation, but it’s out of concern that they are not as good as everyone else. They feel as if they are on the precipice of being exposed for their flaws and will be humiliated and shamed when this happens…. Those high on vulnerable narcissism are preoccupied with perfection to avoid criticism, but it is criticism that they fully expect to receive.”

From Psychology Today: https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/fulfillment-any-age/201611/why-do-some-narcissists-need-be-so-perfect

Mr. Perfect

I remember mom calling my dad “Mr. Perfect” a lot when I was growing up. She did it when he’d stay with something until it was done to his specifications. It would be things like cleaning a garden tool, or hanging a picture on the wall, or washing and waxing the car.

“The narcissistic perfectionist (NP) is quick to pounce on the mistakes of others, even minor blunders.”

From: https://www.ctvnews.ca/lifestyle/n-s-research-lays-out-how-to-recognize-narcissistic-perfectionists-1.2870230  (Canadian Press, April 2016)

I also remembered reading an article in the O magazine a while back about narcissistic personality disorder that rang some bells.

From the Mayo Clinic’s website:

Narcissistic personality disorder — one of several types of personality disorders — is a mental condition in which people have an inflated sense of their own importance, a deep need for excessive attention and admiration, troubled relationships, and a lack of empathy for others. But behind this mask of extreme confidence lies a fragile self-esteem that's vulnerable to the slightest criticism.

A narcissistic personality disorder causes problems in many areas of life, such as relationships, work, school or financial affairs. People with narcissistic personality disorder may be generally unhappy and disappointed when they're not given the special favors or admiration they believe they deserve. They may find their relationships unfulfilling, and others may not enjoy being around them.

Symptoms

Signs and symptoms of narcissistic personality disorder and the severity of symptoms vary. People with the disorder can:

·         Have an exaggerated sense of self-importance

·         Have a sense of entitlement and require constant, excessive admiration

·         Expect to be recognized as superior even without achievements that warrant it

·         Monopolize conversations and belittle or look down on people they perceive as inferior

·         Expect special favors and unquestioning compliance with their expectations

·         Take advantage of others to get what they want

·         Have an inability or unwillingness to recognize the needs and feelings of others

·         Be envious of others and believe others envy them

At the same time, people with narcissistic personality disorder have trouble handling anything they perceive as criticism, and they can:

·         Become impatient or angry when they don't receive special treatment

·         Have significant interpersonal problems and easily feel slighted

·         React with rage or contempt and try to belittle the other person to make themselves appear superior

·         Have difficulty regulating emotions and behavior

·         Experience major problems dealing with stress and adapting to change

·         Have secret feelings of insecurity, shame, vulnerability and humiliation

If I’d been able to identify rage, becoming angry when not receiving special treatment, or have known of the concept of regulating emotions instead of just thinking my dad was mean or “weird” and avoiding him, denying the problem, ignoring its existence, I could have seen that he was not normal as we passed him off as being. But abnormal was normalized in my family. If I’d known that his behavior could be typed with a personality disorder  earlier in my life, maybe in my twenties when I was old enough to understand, I could have learned to spot questionable behavior more easily and not accept it. But I grew up afraid of him yet putting on a face of acceptance. I changed my behavior around him.

This is my perspective on my dad. It takes seeing him objectively, finally, to separate the strands of how he has affected me and why. And in doing so, I see the context of his behavior that has now morphed into dementia. It’s like dementia is the icing on a triple-layer personality disorder cake.