Seek Its Way Home

While I was staying with my parents this Christmas, there was a curious incident of the sticky honey bear squeeze bottle.

My last morning there, my father started telling me about the sticky mess on the top of the honey bear bottle. He was angry about it and told me how he cleaned it up by putting it under the water faucet and washing it off. Then drying it off and closing the lid.

He said, “you know how it got that way? When you turn the bottle upside down and squeeze it, the honey comes out. Then, we you are finished, you turn it right side up and a thin string of honey will hang from the tip of the jar to what you put the honey on. That string will break and seek its way home to the top of the jar where it was squeezed from. It will form a drop of honey and run down the side of the jar. Then it gets all messy and when you go to pick up the jar, you get sticky all over you. You need to keep the sticky with the sticky!”

His eyes were big and his voice was deep and loud. This is the kind of thing that scared me as a child.

I thought to myself, “you need to ‘seek your way home’ to heaven ASAP.”

I told my sister what he said and she said, “Yeh, he always had a problem with messy jar lids.”

Dr. Demento

When I was in high school, I listened to a radio program called Dr. Demento. Does anyone remember that? There’s a Facebook page for it. “The doctor is in!”

The word “demento” for “demented” which meant crazy, was new to me, as a teenager. I never thought I’d ….

The song they played was: “They’re coming to take me away haha, they’re coming to take me away hoho hehe haha! And I’ll be happy to see those nice young men in their clean white coats….”

But now, no one comes to take them away. They are given a dementia or Alzheimer’s diagnosis and the family is expected to deal with it.

Oranges, Bananas, Monkeys

“Have you ever bought a carton of orange juice from the grocery store?” he asked.

“Have you drunk orange juice from a carton?”

“Have you peeled an orange and sucked the juice out?”

This line of questioning over the phone was at 8:15 a.m. my time, 10:15 his time. He said he’d just eaten four oranges and four tangerines. 

I’d ordered a cookbook to be sent to their house for me to give as a Christmas present to someone when I got there. But he’d opened the box and started reading the cookbook and it said that to get the most nutrition from orange juice, you should eat a fresh one.

“Have you watched a monkey eat an orange or banana? After the monkey eats the oranges and bananas, it just drops the peels on the ground, but inside a house you have to use a plate and a trash can.”

Ex-Lax and Hearing Aids

I never know who will answer when I call home. My dad answered today.

“How’s it going Daddy?”

“Well, I spent most of the day on the toilet.”

“Did you take a laxative?”

“Yeah, uh, what’s the name of that? I took Ex-Lax last night. It didn’t do anything. I took…” I hear yelling in the background. “Mah-gret! What’s the name of that…”

He comes back to the phone: “Miralax. I mixed it with some real hot water. I got mama to boil some water. But it still didn’t work.” 

Pause. “A good bowel movement is better than a good meal.”

OK. Change the subject: “How’s your weather?”

“It’s nice. How’s yours?” he asked.

“It’s warm today. Gonna get cold tomorrow,” I said.

“Would you believe I found my hearing aid. It was on the floor by the chair at the breakfast table. I looked for it all over!”

Me: “I’m glad you found it.”

“Yeah, we gotta go to the doctor first thing in the morning. She’s got to take the stitches out where she removed the skin cancer.”

Me: “Oh, I didn’t know you had stitches.”

TracPhone, DirecTV

My dad has a TracPhone. He keeps it in its black vinyl case sitting on the kitchen counter. Occasionally you’ll hear an odd noise coming from that area. Eventually you’ll figure out that the phone is making a noise. Usually it’s because it needs to be charged.

My dad said he went to Walmart to buy more minutes for the phone but Walmart had stopped selling that. He asked them where he could buy minutes and they told him Target. He went to Target, but they didn’t sell them. He went home and called around for an hour and finally found out that Walgreens sells them. Of course, he could have called me or someone in the family with Internet knowledge and we could have bought them online for him. But he rarely asks for help, unless it’s for my mom to hold something.

So, he went to Walgreens and looked all around for a card rack with a TracPhone minutes card. Finally, he asked someone and found it.

He was telling me this on the phone. Then he started complaining about the high cost of his DirecTV bill. He was going to call them and cancel his service, but I persuaded him to let me call and see what I could do. We’ve been around and around with this before. He thinks he can get an antenna and receive all the TV channels he needs.

They need TV. It keeps them connected to the outside world. My sister rarely watches TV, doesn’t have satellite TV, and doesn’t know anything about various TV receivers these days. Antennas have changed a lot in the last 20 or so years and my parents watch a lot of TV. Calling DirecTV and getting relevant information can be difficult and hard to understand even for me.

I called DirecTV and got a representative with an odd accent. I’m surprised to report that I actually passed myself off as living in my parents’ home to the DirecTV rep. My parents already had the cheapest programming package, but I got the “protection plan” removed from their monthly bill, saving them $8 a month and keeping their TV service intact.

Test Drive

When I talked to mom she couldn’t remember where they’d been that morning, but my dad had gone out again and she didn’t know when he’d be back. (Mom’s memory is missing.)

So, I called later and talked to my dad. He said after they got home, he went out to the Hyundai dealer because they kept sending papers to him in the mail and he didn’t want them. While he was there, he looked at the new Sante Fe SUV (he has a 2005 Sante Fe). The salesman asked him if he’d like to test drive it. So off they went. And had a nice drive about 4:00 in the afternoon.

He returned to the dealership, then came on home and all was well.

“How much do they want for those?” I asked.

“We didn’t get to that,” he said. He used to love to take his latest car passion for a test drive. He’s test driven a lot of Toyotas.

“Do you have a Hyundai dealer out there?” he asked.

I said I was sure there is one not too far away, but I didn’t know where.

“Well, you outta treat yourself and go for a test drive.”

BBs

I called and my dad answered.

“What’cha doing?” I asked.

“I’m sitting at the table putting some BBs in a gun,” he said. “I wrapped a few presents and thought I’d do something different.” (It’s early December.)

“Oh, what do you need the gun for?” I inquired.

“Why? Are you going to tell me I shouldn’t?” he replied. Immediately defensive. Hmmm. That hasn’t happened in a while.

Me: “No I just wondered why you were doing it.” Better change the subject. “Did you decorate your tree?”

“No, haven’t decorated it yet. Are you going to get after me about that now?” he said.

Wow, that’s different.

“Let me talk to mom,” I said looking for a way out.

So then mom picked up and said his behavior is different today.